Filmmaker Mandy Bemis recently wrote this very nice piece about knowing Me, and shooting video for My latest film: More M’Lady starring Seska and The Lady Katrina.
We’ve worked together in many capacities over the years and I think are always looking for new ways to collaborate with each other. Mandy is cool people and the world doesn’t have enough of those. At one point we talked about doing a podcast together. I still really think we should actually, what do you think? Check out this piece. And then follow her patreon where she writes about indie film, movie reviews, music and queer life: http://patreon.com/AndyBemis
I met Bella Vendetta 15 years ago, when I was casting my first feature, a queer romance. I won’t go into it too much since 50% of my current subscribers are the co-star of Black Light. But for future readers: I was having trouble casting the other lead character, a sex worker, when Bella emailed me her resume and photos. It was one of those rare moments that leaves me thinking “hmm…idk, maybe there’s a god?” Bella was exponentially cooler than me, and not just because she was a porn star (and artist and hyphenate). Before my egg cracked, when I’d meet queer people who were confidently themselves, I’d basically shut up, take notes and try not to annoy them.
As I got to know her, though, I realized I had no reason to be intimidated. When I told Bella that my first wife and I had separated, she took me to a dive bar and got me drunk, and we had a very irresponsible, very fun night that ended at her apartment, where we smoked a joint and watched Waiting to Exhale (which – I’ll always remember this – was already in her VCR). It was the first time it felt like being single could be fun.
We’ve kept in touch over the years; she and her lovely wife are among my favorite people. Her focus has shifted more towards artistic and erotic photography, and it’s been a pleasure watching her grow as an artist on both sides of the camera. Our friendship has always been platonic, but I’ll admit to exclaiming “holy shit dude, are you serious” more than once at her more recent work. I’ve always hoped that we’d find more opportunities to work together. As far as Bella’s adult work goes, though, I was reluctant to invite myself in. I didn’t want to be presumptuous, or to make our relationship transactional (an occupational hazard in sex work *and* show business). So when Bella asked if I’d be interested in shooting a movie she’d be directing for an adult site, I said yes right away.
The movie would be a dominant/submissive training session starring Seska and The Lady Katrina; I hadn’t met either star yet, but I knew everyone involved was excited to work together. When Bella sent me the synopsis and info on the movie, I didn’t know yet whether it would be in line with her arty smut (smutty art?) or her hardcore work. I read her scene descriptions – body worship, masturbation, spanking – and thought, this sounds adorable and right up my alley. Then I got to the last scene, “Katrina fucks Seska with a strap-on.” Ok, definitely porn!
A brief summary of my history with porn: the ’90s and early aughts were a rough time to be an onanistic teen and young adult. Porn – or the porn I could find on Kazaa and Limewire, at least – was frequently off-putting. The emphasis was on degradation back then, and not in a fun way (for me, anyway). I don’t believe that the body is a temple, but it’s not a clown car either, and at a certain point, it’s just parlor tricks with cum. That people like me were an object of fetishization and ridicule probably didn’t help. But I also think porn can be legitimately sexy and artistic, and as trans representation in porn has gotten better over the years, it’s helped me figure out a few things. My favorite kind of porn, though, will always be real couples who seem genuinely into each other. Bonus points if they’re stoners and the sex is meandering and silly. There’s just nothing hotter to me than a stoner taking her boyfriend’s dick out of her mouth long enough to make a dumb joke. It makes me feel represented.
I have some experience with sex work as well. I haven’t written about it or told many people; I don’t think I’ve ever even mentioned it to Bella. My experience isn’t nearly as extensive or accomplished as Bella or her stars, but I mention it so you know I’m not writing entirely from an ally’s perspective. In any case, it was a positive experience (the worst stories are only awkward or meh), and, having done both, being an actor is easily more degrading. So was being a dishwasher. And working at Staples.
Bella’s studio is in a beautiful old mill building in the Berkshires. I have fond memories of the building – I spent a lot of time there hanging out with an artist friend, and I’d hoped to move there (life had other plans). When I arrived on the shoot day, I was preoccupied with two things: making the movie look good, and not making it weird. I felt confident about the first, because I knew from a photo shoot I’d done with Bella that our directing styles were complimentary, and she’s excellent at communicating exactly what she wants. As for the “not making it weird” part, when I asked Bella if about porn-specific setiquette I should be aware of, she said “You’ll be fine, just don’t be an asshole.”
Though I was out to Bella at this point, I looked more like a boy last summer, and being welcomed into women’s spaces while in boy mode always came with a particularly self-conscious anxiety that I’m relieved to be done with. Seska and Katrina arrived shortly after I did, and it was clear that I had nothing to worry about. Seska has been in the industry for 25 years; I remember hearing about her through Bella, but I also thought I’d seen her perform her before. There’s the obvious – I was in my teens when Seska broke through, so – but I realized when researching this piece I was remembering her segment the HBO series Pornucopia. She’s also an educator and writer with a more recent background in holistic health. I’m always immediately comfortable with healers, and people who are comfortable in their own skin. Also, when I meet people who are equal parts sweet/cute and dirty – the kind of person who says “I’m your pretty little princess” to a Domme – a part of me wants to ask them if they want to have a slumber party. Whatever nervous energy I brought into the day fell away quickly.
Bella, Seska and Katrina got ready as we also filled out the necessary legal paperwork. It was a lot like morning on a mainstream film set, and Bella was as organized and prepared as any of the indie filmmakers I’ve gotten to watch at work. Because they all knew and had worked with each other before, I was mostly hanging back and listening as everyone made small talk while they got ready. I only occasionally felt a specific kind of anxiety – when other women are talking candidly about sex or relationships, I’m never sure how much I should join in. At one point, someone was talking about how she’s gotten choosier about partners in her personal life over the years, then added, “I mean, making out is different, though. That’s just a good time.” And I almost said “I know, right?” But I didn’t want it to come out wrong.
Bella was talking about a submissive performer she and Katrina have both worked with. Bella said, “She’s such a slut – all you have to say is [authoritative tone] ‘I’m gonna fuck you!’ and she just – ” she jokingly pantomimed the performer writhing and spreading her legs. I laughed, probably too hard, and studied my feet for a few moments before getting back to work.
I was less familiar with Katrina beforehand, but she also has a lot of experience, having been a Domme for over 20 years. I’ve met a few Dommes over the years through Bella, and they’ve all shared what I think of now as “Domme energy” – not intense or aggressive, but a sort of calm, matter-of-fact authority. At the same time, she was very friendly and welcoming. And I felt lucky to witness how tender she and Seska were with each other before (and throughout) the shoot. I’m guessing not every porn shoot starts with the stars doing an invocation together, but the set felt sacred in the way creativity (and sex) does sometimes. And I was in a great headspace – when I’m working as cast or crew on someone else’s movie, I want to make my director happy, and I like it when they say I’ve done a good job. Which is really another way of saying “good girl.” This is all to say that working for a director who is also a Domme might be the absolute best case work scenario for me.
I did a good job.
I was pretty sure Bella and I would work together well. In addition to Black Light, Bella took my most recent headshot. Having worked with her on both sides of the camera, I think we’re similarly intuitive and motivated by our performers. By motivated, I’m talking about the relationship between the director and cameraperson and the performer. There are some directors who design everything meticulously, and the performances have to adjust to the frame. Kubrick and Wes Anderson are easy examples of this. Then there are directors like who let the performances motivate and frame the image – in a John Cassavetes movie, for instance, the camera tends to follow the actors, rather than leading them. Some filmmakers, like Spielberg and Scorsese, rely a lot on planning but build in room for discovery on the day.
If mentioning Kubrick, Scorsese, etc. seems a bit rich in this context, all I mean is that, when I’m directing, it’s the performer, their body and voice and energy, that motivates where I put the camera and, later, how I edit a scene. If I’m filming for someone else, I want to take my cues from them and adapt their perspective. This was easy with Bella; we didn’t say much to each other during filming, because we didn’t have to. We started on a wide shot with the scene setting, flirting and lighter play. It was a quintessential porn set – a couch against a white brick wall, with a small endtable covered with dildos. The natural light through the large windows in Bella’s studio was perfect that day; we barely needed to add anything. As the scene got dirtier, with Katrina instructing Seska to touch herself, I watched Bella out of the corner of my eye and tried to mirror her gaze. Eventually, I switched to handheld and moved around like Bella does during a photoshoot, trying to give her as many different perspectives to use as I can.
At times, the job as a cameraperson is, primarily, to stay out of the way; ideally, a director should be free to focus on and support their performers. Bella was supportive, and prioritized her cast’s comfort and happiness, throughout. As inexperienced as I was, it was easy to go with the flow, though I occasionally caught myself being too soft. I’d think, “wait, how long have I just been shooting Seska’s face? but she’s so pretty,” and switch to a close-up of boobs, hoping nobody noticed.
I’ll admit that my main “don’t make it weird” anxiety was that watching beautiful people have sex might make me especially awkward. There was a day during the Black Light shoot when my car broke down while I was at Club Castaway, the club we filmed at. Bella was working before our night shoot, it was a slow day, and we chatted for a long time. Eventually, it felt like it’d be weird and inconsiderate if I didn’t buy a dance soon. Also, why not. And at one point, I giggled, and Bella (half seriously) asked, “are you laughing at me?” And I was like, “heh heh, no, heh heh heh heh, I’m sorry, heh, heh.” That’s the sort of weaponized awkwardness I was hoping to avoid – I want her to ask me to work with her again, y’know?
Thankfully, I had two things working in my favor. One is that I’ve probably watched other people have sex in person more than most people do. I assume that’s self-explanatory. The other is the wonderful effect transition has had on how I experience sex, not just physically but in my mind. As with many other things since I started HRT, it’s like everything is finally in sync. Having experienced both, so to speak, arousal was like I used to have an on/off switch, but what I really need, and have now, is a dial.
All that is to say, it was sexy, fun and exciting to shoot a porno, but also easier to keep things on a low simmer. Which is both appropriate to’ the situation and how I actually feel. When Katrina fucked Seska, Bella said to me, “Go ahead and get in closer, it’s ok.” She’d mentioned we’d do the standard hardcore close-ups, acknowledging they’re not her favorite either, but we both know how porn works. Still, though I’ve watched people had sex, I’ve never leaned over two people mid-coitus with a camera. The most charged thing about it, for me, was the trust between everyone in the room. It reminded me of both creative and sexual experiences, and they’re nearly the same thing in this case.
When it was over, Seska and Katrina were sitting close together, whispering to each other, a quiet and tender moment of aftercare. After a minute, Bella reminded me I could stop filming, and I was like, oh, duh, porn’s over. I’m glad I caught that moment, though. I asked, “So I’m guessing this is a better than average porn set experience.” And they all responded with variations of “oh yeah, totally.”
It took me a while to get to watch the movie – my kids go to bed pretty late these days – but when I finally did, I was excited for how good it looks, and how sexy and likable both performers are. I mentioned my own porn preference are a bit soft, and while I think the conventional hardcore shots are more interesting than usual, it’s the early moments when Seska is gently worshipping Lady Katrina’s body, which are equal parts tender and primal. I can’t link to the movie, More, M’Lady, directly on here, unfortunately, but it’s available on wasteland dot com. You can also see the movie on Bella’s site – all her links are here, and her ig is bellavendetta.
This full film is released now on VendettaVerse! You can find all the scenes here:
and buy the film to download and own here: