This piece was originally written for a magazine and edited and published by Kelly Shiabari<\/p>\n\n\n\n
<\/p>\n\n\n\n
7 ways to maintain intimacy in a long distance relationship<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I’ve spent a big chunk of My adult life in long distance relationships. I don’t really know it always seems
to work out that way. I have a tendency to like living in really small rural towns and maybe the thought of
dating a local sex worker makes people feel weird. For whatever reason I’ve always seemed to gravitate
to people OUTSIDE of My community and geographical location for dating.
My longest relationship\u2026My marriage\u2026.was mostly all long distance. It started with us living almost 7
hours apart and visiting when we could, we lived together for a short time and then he ended up going to
prison for 3.5 years. We stayed together and believe Me, we developed lots of strange ways to keep in
touch and try to keep our intimacy.
After My marriage dissolved the next person I became interested in at all happened to live all the way
across the country. For Me, the distance wasn’t really an issue and I was happy with whatever time we got
together and I tried to invent all sorts of cute ways for us to feel close. In the end they thought the
distance was too much. I was hurt and confused because not even an ocean or any amount of distance can
keep Me from someone I have a genuine connection with.
Not everyone can handle long distance, you have to be really strong and really solid and very secure and
you have to WORK on your communication every single day.
The relationship I’m in now we moved in with each other really soon after we first started dating and
we’re together pretty much all the time and it’s the exact opposite of anything I’ve experienced. But for
now let’s focus on some tips for folks in long distance relationships.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
1: Write Letters.
It might be cheesy sounding, but it’s a lost art. When is the last time you actually GOT a hand written
letter in the mail? Not just a postcard with a short note. But a love, a love letter. It can take so many
different turns as well: you can send casual notes about what you did that day and what your plans are for
the next. They can be romantic musings about things and places you want to do and go together when
you finally can be with one another. Poems you write for each other. Stories you each continue on and
send back and forth. Texting each other is one thing but writing letters takes connection to a much more
personal level. You have to go out of your way to send a letter, take time out of your day to sit down and
write. It really shows your lover that you are thinking of them and feeling connected to them even when
they aren’t physically with you. It’s also a good chance to do something nice like spray your favorite
perfume or cologne or deodorant onto the letter. When you read a letter from someone you love you can
see their hand writing, smell their scent, feel the paper they’ve chosen. When writing a naughty letter I’ve
often gone so far as to wipe the paper onto My genitals or armpits so My lover can be reminded of what
My most intimate parts smell like. I also like doing things like tracing My feet, hands, breasts etc to
remind My sweetie about the particulars of My body. There’s all sorts of things you can add besides a
letter too! Which brings Me to My next point:<\/p>\n\n\n\n
2: Care packages.
Yes, kind of like those things you got in camp or at college from your family. The ones that are the best
always seem to come at JUST the right time and remind you of your loved ones in a way that makes your
heart ache deliciously. As an adult, making care packages for your lover can be even more fun! After a
while I found Myself looking for things on My travels that I might be able to include in the next care
package.. Candies from your favorite shop you always wished your lover could try, trinkets and tokens
from your travels, brochures and clippings from places you want to go together or have gone. And if
you’re feeling daring of course, you can always send your underwear!<\/p>\n\n\n\n
3: Read Books Together.
Books are something you can add to you care packages. When you read a book you know your lover will
love you can send it to them and then you both can compare notes and talk about it. You might even
underline parts or make border notations of the parts you think your sweetie will enjoy.
Another thing I really think is a lost art is reading aloud. After traditional school most of us don’t get a
chance to read lout loud, or to be read to. I personally find it very soothing. Picking a book together that
you both want to read and taking turns reading chapters to each other can be very romantic. You can read
over the phone, over skype, or even make recordings of yourself reading and send them to your lover in<\/p>\n\n\n\n
your awesome sexy care package you’ve been putting together! Hearing your voice while you are away is
a great way to soothe them when they miss you so much. It can almost be like that person is right there in
the room with you.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
4: Visualizations.
This can be really really helpful for people who have a loved one in prison, overseas, or in a situation
where they will be separated with sporadic or no contact. In one of your letters you two come up with a
pre determined time and date. Make it a week or more in advance so you have plenty of time to day
dream about it and feel excited about it. On the agreed upon time and date you both sit where you can be
alone and focus and for ONE HOUR you agree to meditate upon each other. Call it your imaginary date.
Clear your mind of all things but your partner. Then you know that on August 25th<\/p>\n\n\n\n
2015 at exactly 9 pm
your partner was thinking about\u2026\u2026..fill in the blank here. Taking you on a trip to Disney Land, working
the farm together, building a house together, daydream about surfing in Hawaii\u2026..or you know, since it’s
in your mind you can meditate on the two of you flying together, or being superheroes together.
You can use your hour long play date together in a more intimate way and agree that you will both
masturbate thinking about the other one at a specific time. These kind of sexual meditations and \u201cdates\u201d
can make your real life sex life with your partner very intense. You’ve been meditating SO HARD about
all the things you want to do to them, you’ll have a lot of time to make up for when you get into each
others arms.
If you have been having problems in your relationship you can agree to take that time and think about
nothing else and try to come up with a solution. Maybe you both can write down what you came up with
and send them in those awesome care packages I’ve been telling you about and you can swap ideas about
how to approach problems.
No matter what you decide you want your focus to be on, thinking of someone in this big wide world of
ours that is so chaotic and KNOWING that at that moment they are also thinking of you can be a very
comforting feeling.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
5: Maximize your time together
If you go for long periods of time without seeing each other it can be really easy to just, spend your whole
time catching up. Or in bed, or on the couch just staring at each other and holding each other because you
are so glad to finally be in the presence of the person you love. But don’t get caught up! If this is
someone you really want a healthy and well rounded relationship with then don’t forget to do those little
things. Take them to that restaurant you’ve been waiting to bring them to. Bring them to meet your
friends who have all been asking who this person is who never seems to be around. Show them the parts
of your life they don’t get to see so they can truly appreciate the time you take to devote to them and only
them. It’s a delicate balance though, because you have to remember to:<\/p>\n\n\n\n
6: Take it easy with each other
I know I just said to not stay in the house staring into each others eyes for too long and to get out there
and do some things. But on the other hand, don’t try to do ALL the things! Take a break together. Order
chinese food, watch netflix, cuddle on the couch, just enjoy being together. Try to plan ONE day where
you don’t have to rush to birthday parties or parks or anything else and just stay in. TURN OFF YOUR
PHONES! (If you feasibly can without like, getting fired or putting anyone’s life in danger). Make out
like teenagers.
The BEST PART about long distance relationship is that you don’t ever really get a chance to get sick of
the person. You always miss them, you always want to be around them and whenever you get it it’s never
enough. Hold that person long enough so when they miss you they can really remember what it feels like
to be held by you.
In the meantime:<\/p>\n\n\n\n
7: Use the internets:
Duh, I didn’t even wanna have to say it\u2026.TEXT! It’s 2015. Text your partner, send them cute pictures of
what your doing and what shoes your wearing and tell jokes and for christ sake\u2026don’t make them wait
hours and hours and days and weeks for a response! When someone you love is far away from you your mind can go to some weird places, so nip that stuff right in the bud before it becomes an issue. Just
COMMUNICATE through any means necessary
Email each other! Skype with each other, oovoo or facetime or whatever it is these kids are doing these
days. Find the one yall like best and do that! Stay connected to each other, take advantage of the fact that<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
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